It's Just Magic! With Zina Mayk
by Emma Kathryn
Summary: The only Enchanted Forest-based radio talkshow out there! Now up: Episode V: Wizards vs. Dragons!
1. The Secret Life of a Wizard

Zina Mayk: Hello everyone, and welcome to It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk, the official talkshow of the Enchanted Forest! Our topic today is "The Secret Life of a Wizard", and we have as guests Zemenar (Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards), his son, Antorell, and Telemain, our resident Magician and Wizard Expert.  
  
(Guests murmur hellos and thank-yous).  
  
Zina: We'll begin our discussion right after these messages from our sponsors!  
  
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Female Voice: Have you been experiencing difficulties with wizards lately? If so, please place your call to Pest-b-Gone Central to receive a brochure on the newest, most effective ways for getting rid of wizards, moles, cockroaches, and undesirable princes. The booklet is free, and contains a coupon for Pest-b-Gone, the revolutionary supply store stocked exclusively with pest removers. Call today, for your free Pest-b-Gone brochure!  
  
(Soft music in background)  
  
Suave, Persuasive Male Voice: Hello, stranger. I am Merylis the Magnificent, and you shall soon fall under my spell. Hear my voice - nothing but my voice - listen to me as I speak to you, of waterfalls, of trees, of large ugly rocks. You will hear my voice and be enspelled. Listen, listen. You are growing weary - you hear nothing but my voice - soon you will be under my control. Listen, lis-  
  
Curt Female Voice: Really, Meryl. I've told you to stop trying to hypnotize the radio audience.  
  
(Soft music stops abruptly)  
  
Female Voice Continues: As I was about to say before our little interruption.  
  
(Peppy music blares)  
  
.If you're having trouble finding Prince Charming, here is the place for you. Find-a-Prince is a FREE organization where you can come to find listings of all the local knights, princes, and eligible woodcutter's sons for miles around! There's also an index of dragons, ogres, and giants who are affiliated with Find-a-Prince, who would be happy to carry off any maidens in need of a little help. So have your Magic Mirror take you to Find-a-Prince and meet your match today!  
  
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Zina: Aaaand we're back to It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk. First we'll hear from Zemenar, Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards, who will tell us a little bit about the purposes and tasks of the Society. Zemenar?  
  
Zemenar (pompously): Our first purpose is, of course, to unite the wizards living in and around the Enchanted Forest region. Take note however it is not a social society. It is strictly business-related. We meet once a week to discuss things of importance pertaining to the world of wizards, such as spells, interference, new sources of magic, etc. Sometimes members of the Society will take on apprentices and we will train them in the mysterious arts. We also deal frequently with the problems caused by dragons. Though we do nothing to provoke them, the meddlesome creatures seem to find it their business to -  
  
Zina: Yes, yes, we understand. Thank you very much. Now, one of the most intruiging facts pertaining to your people are the fact that you collect magic from your surroundings. How is this done?  
  
Zemenar: It is a complex spell, Miss Mayk. It would most likely confuse the audience.  
  
Antorell: Actually, Father, it's quite simple - just a magic-absorbtion spell invoked in the staff -  
  
Zemenar (frostily): Really, Antorell, can you not hold your tongue?  
  
Telemain: Ah, is that how you do it. I was thinking something more complex, such as a reversed defence spell that ingests the magical particles near it -  
  
Zina: A what?  
  
Telemain: A - ah - defence spell, meant to ward magic particles off, reversed. That - ah - absorbs the magic in the air around it.  
  
Zina: Thank you. Now, one more question and then we will accept some calls. Over the past few years, it has been proven that wizards have a - er - dislike for soapy water.  
  
Telemain: With lemon juice, Miss Mayk.  
  
Zina: Ah yes, with lemon juice. As I was saying, soapy lemon-juice-water has an extremely adverse affect on your kind. Do you know why? Zemenar?  
  
Zemenar (frostily): It is not a topic I enjoy discussing.  
  
Telemain: Miss Mayk, I believe it is because of the -  
  
Zemenar: It is also not a topic I enjoy others discussing.  
  
Zina (hastily): Then let's take a commercial break. Stay tuned!  
  
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Herman the Dwarf: Are you looking for training for that soon-to-be-hero of yours? Does your maiden need Damsel In Distress tutoring? Look no further. Herman's Elite Academy For the Training of Important Juveniles is accepting pupils! You can send your application to Herman the Dwarf, Magician's House, Middle of Nowhere, Mountains of Morning. If you would like to apply for a scholarship, please send a chart showing your monthly income as well as the heroic history of your family line.  
  
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Zina: We're back again! Welcome back to It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! Our next topic of discussion is dragons. Antorell, any thoughts?  
  
Antorell: They're pests. And they keep stupid princesses.  
  
Zina: Right.Zemenar?  
  
Zemenar: They interfere greatly with the workings of the Society, hamper the gain of new magic, and.ah.have a particular taste for wizard. They are very hasty, as well, more liable to destroy a wizard on sight than hear his reasonable explanation for why he is there. And to top it all off, the dragons have this past year canceled our access to the Caves of Fire and Night, which caves are crucial to our research -  
  
Zina: I see, thank you. Telemain, do you have anything to say on the subject? Then we'll take some calls.  
  
Telemain: Dragons are highly intelligent creatures. They generate their own magical substance, and so are indisposed to let wizards linger near them because of the rather unpleasant side effects that result when the wizard's staff comes too near, and the essence of the dragon's magic is sucked away. That is the reason for the banishment from the Caves, you see. And -  
  
Zina: I'm sorry, Telemain, but we're out of time. Your discourse on dragons sounds fascinating, however. Perhaps another time we can chat. Right now, we have just enough time to take some calls. First we have Morwen, you're on the air.  
  
Morwen: Telemain, did you remember the eggs?  
  
Telemain: What eggs?  
  
Morwen: The eggs you were supposed to pick up.  
  
Telemain: I have no idea what you are talking about.  
  
Morwen: Eggs.  
  
Telemain: What eggs?  
  
Morwen: The eggs I told you to pick up on the way there -  
  
Zina: Thanks for calling It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk, we are out of time for that call! Queen Cimorene, you're on the air.  
  
Mendenbar: Me, too.  
  
Zina: Oh, I see.  
  
Gargoyle: Me, too!  
  
Cimorene: (apologetically) We're on the mirror in the study, the other one was down.  
  
Zina: I get it. And your purpose for calling is?  
  
Cimorene: I'd like to ask Zemenar a question.  
  
Zemenar: I do not associate with nemeses.  
  
Cimorene: Neither do I, but I still want to ask you something - do you realize the entire Council of Dragons is listening in on this show? Do you have any idea how mad they're getting?  
  
Kazul: Yes, she's right! We're all here!  
  
Mendenbar: What she means, is, if you ever set foot in the Mountains of Morning.you're a wanted criminal.  
  
Zemenar: @#$%^!  
  
Zina: That's all the time we have for today. Please join us on the next episode of It's Just Magic! 


	2. Princesses Part I

Zina: And welcome to today's episode of It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! Our topic today is "Princesses, Part I", and we a slew of interesting guests. We welcome Queen Cimorene of the Enchanted Forest, Queen Hallanna of Sathem- by-the-mountains, Queen Alianora, formerly the Princess of Toure-on-marsh, Princess Keredwel of Poranbuth, and Antorell the wizard. All of these ladies have, at one time or another, been princesses, and do not object to joining us today. Let's give these girls a round of applause!  
  
Antorell: Ahem.  
  
Zina: I wasn't finished. We have with us also one of the wizards of the Head Society of Wizards. I believe he was the only one who could be spared.  
  
Antorell: Er, thank you. I think.  
  
Zina: Now, let's begin. Our first question is, Do You Enjoy Being a Princess? Let's hear from Alianora first.  
  
Alianora: (giggles) Well, I'm not exactly a princess anymore.but no, I did not like being a princess. It was a very confining and dull job, and I didn't seem to fit in at all.  
  
Zina: That's understandable.  
  
Alianora: I mean, I guess it's all well and good for people who are dainty and beautiful and easily frightened. And it's an extra feather in your cap if you know a few truly evil fairies, too. But I just couldn't get anything to work. My family were abolutely frenzied trying to find something for me to do.  
  
Zina: But they figured it out in the end?  
  
Alianora: Yes. Being a dragon's princess was the best thing that had ever happened to me - I didn't like the work exactly.I'm not like Cimorene.but if I hadn't I would never have met Cimorene or.anyone else. (giggles again)  
  
Zina: Thank you, Alianora. We'll hear another side of the story from Princess Keredwel after these messages. Stay tuned!  
  
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Dragon: Have you been looking for a respectable husband? Look no further, pretty maiden. We have several job openings at Morning in the Mountains, a non-profit organization provided for the benefit of both dragons and princesses. Each position is guaranteed to bring a collection of eligible knights, princes, and daring paupers. The only requirements are: the ability to dust, cook, clean, read and translate Latin, sort treasure, cook all day and then look presentable at night to serve your meal, stay out of the way in dragon-rescuer battles, don't interact with wizards, don't run away, stay for at least six months.  
  
Cimorene: I told you to say "no requirements", not give off a list, you idiot. You're fired. I'm finding another dragon for this job.  
  
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Brandel: Are you looking for a new home? You may stop your house-hunting now! I have a perfect three-bedroom suite for sale. It is located in a secluded forest for plenty of privacy, has a Nearly-Fault-Proof way to keep outsiders OUT, and comes with a FREE easy-to-use enchanted laundry basket for access of the interior. Plus, the path through the forest is lighted with lovely Dusk-blooming vines, provided to make your stroll through the forest a romantic one. (really fast) Take note that things such as knights, mud, swamps, CHOKEvines, girls named Rachel and other things are not our responsibility.  
  
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Zina: Welcome back to It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! We will now hear from -  
  
Cimorene: I was on the radio. Did you hear that? I was on the radio.  
  
Zina: Yes, that is very -  
  
Cimorene: I remember that recording too. It was Urig who was trying to throw in all the requirements. I'd told them to just say "no requirements" so that the princesses would flock to them. They can't expect someone as perfect as myself every princess they get. I still don't know why they didn't rerecord that, though. Besides, my voice was all high and squea -  
  
Zina: We will hear from Princess Keredwel of Poranbuth. Keredwel, what are your thoughts on being a princess?  
  
Keredwel: (dramatically) Alas, it is an occupation riddled with sorrows and woes. What a hard lot in life it is! No sooner than I had been rescued from a dreadful dragon, than my charming rescuer tumbled from a cliff and I was left to fend for myself in the wilderness. Finally a tender-hearted Queen took me in. But I shall never, ever, recover from my loss. Ah! Woe is me!  
  
Zina: (struggling to be sympathetic) That does sound.terrible. Have you contacted your family since then?  
  
Keredwel: I had not yet reached that point in my long and woeful tale. For no sooner than I had reached the palace of the tender-hearted Queen than I learned that there had been a great fire in my homeland, and the royal family had perished in the blaze. But I dare not go back to reclaim the throne, for there sits upon it an evil mage who would surely kill me or marry me if I tried. Alas! What a hard lot is my life!  
  
Zina: But, before you were even abducted by the dragon, did you enjoy the life of a princess?  
  
Keredwel: Ah, no! For my mother died when I was but a babe, and my father had remarried a woman who hated me. I worked like a drudge for her, and few knew my true heritage until I was carried of by the dread dragon Zareth.  
  
Zina: So, give us a short summary of your idea of princessdom.  
  
Keredwel: (starts crying) Alas, alack, and woe unto me! It is a dreaded thing, but I must.bear.it.bravely.  
  
Zina: Thank you, Princess Keredwel. (Keredwel's sobbing is heard in background). We will be right back after this commercial break.  
  
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Male Announcer: And now we will be privileged to hear the first-ever advertisement delivered by a cat.  
  
Chaos: Mrow vow.  
  
Announcer: Er, could someone translate for us please?  
  
Morwen: He said, Hello to you too.  
  
Announcer: Ah. Well.begin!  
  
Chaos: Mrow, mroov! Rowmeow *screech*.  
  
Morwen: He.er.said he.didn't want to.  
  
Announcer: (faintly) Didn't want to?  
  
Morwen: Correct.  
  
Chaos: Vrow mroovmeow mrow, mrow!  
  
Morwen: He, er, says he doesn't want to work for you.  
  
Announcer: For me?  
  
Morwen: Yes.  
  
Announcer: Why not?  
  
Morwen: He says you own a dog.  
  
Chaos: Mrow!  
  
Announcer: @#$$%!!! You're fired, puss.get off my commercial.  
  
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Zina: And we're back. `Fraid we're nearly out of time, though. We can accept a few calls, and then this discussion will be continued in our next episode, "Princesses, Part II". Let's see, Zemenar, you're on the air.  
  
Zemenar: How come Antorell didn't get a chance to talk?  
  
Zina: He will most certainly get to on our next episode, we simply ran out of time.  
  
Antorell: Father, you're dead. What are you doing on Enchanted Radio?  
  
Zina: These things happen on radio. I remember one time we had a warlock who'd been dead for a hundred years as our star guest. He was very interesting, actually, delivered a speech on -  
  
Zemenar: You're getting off-topic. I'm hanging up. This is a stupid show. *click*  
  
Zina: Thank goodness. Next we have.Zareth, you're on the air.  
  
Zareth: I'm not a dread dragon. Not unless you're a stupid princess.  
  
Zina: Well, she was.er.a princess.  
  
Keredwel: How dare you call me stupid, you hideous monster! Alas, for not only have I led a hard and woeful life, but I am now to be insulted by radio callers.  
  
Zareth: This is stupid. *click*  
  
Zina: Mendenbar, you're on the air.  
  
Mendenbar: Hello, everyone. Hi, honey.  
  
Cimorene: Hi.  
  
Mendenbar: I think this is a great discussion. I personally think that princesses are empty-headed, dull, conniving, and have less wits than a fly. They've always struck me that way. Except for you, of course, Cimorene.  
  
Cimorene: Thank you.  
  
Keredwel: Alas, for he does it too! I take insult at your remark, your Royal Majesty. For surely I am neither empty-headed, nor dull, nor conniving. Haryd, the princes who rescued me from the dread dragon Zareth, always said that I was very witty. (cries) Ah.Haryd.I miss him so.  
  
Mendenbar: I'm sorry if that was rather indelicate, but I think it's true.  
  
Cimorene: Me too.  
  
Alianora: Mm-hmm.  
  
Zina: Yes. And that is all the time we have today, folks! Join us next time on It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! 


	3. Princesses Part II

Zina: Hello again, and welcome to this episode of It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! Our topic today is "Princesses: Part II" and we have back with us our panel of highly interesting guests. Let's have a welcome for Queen Cimorene of the Enchanted Forest, Queen Hallanna of Sathem-by-the-Mountains, Queen Alianora, formerly the Princess of Toure-on-marsh, Princess Keredwel of Poranbuth, and Antorell the wizard. All of these –

Antorell: Erm.

Zina: --All of these but Antorell are or have been princesses and have sportingly agreed to share their ideas with us today! When last we aired, we heard from Alianora and Keredwel on the topic of "Do You Enjoy Being a Princess?" Our next question is for Queen Hallanna and Antorell. What is your opinion of the intelligence level possessed by most princesses? Hallanna?

Hallanna: (frostily) I do hope you are not implying anything. 

Zina: Of course not.

Hallanna: Good. Well then. I think that princesses are the most unfortunate of creatures, though they sit in the lap of luxury. For forced upon them – upon us – is the grueling task of finding a suitable match and securing the happiness of our kingdoms. For this there must be a high level of intelligence, wit, and courage, and it is my belief that princesses are among the most intelligent of creatures.

Zina: You sound as though you've experience.

Hallanna: (still more frostily) Madam, I was a princess.

Zina: Ah, yes…anyway, Antorell? Any thoughts?

Antorell: (loftily) I do not mean to undermine the ability of any of the members of the delicate sex, but quite frankly I think that princesses tend to the, shall we say, silly side? Compared with the knowledge of wizards, really…they are so trusting and obliging that they can hardly be considered among intelligent circles. For example, when Father and I visited Queen Cimorene when she was the princess of the dragon Kazul, she led us straight into the lair of the dragon and allowed Father to find most valuable information concerning the Caves of Fire and Night and Colin's Stone. This alone shows lack of, shall we say, cleverness.

Zina: An interesting debate.

Keredwel: Woe upon me, for here is one who blatantly criticizes the intelligence possessed by my kind. Alas, for I have no place to turn without being faced by opposition…(dissolves into tears)…indeed, what a grievous lot is mine.

Cimorene: I have a word on this. Antorell is the one who 'lacks cleverness'. Really. Letting them into Kazul's caves in the first place was a major part in stopping the wizards. So where did their valuable information get them then, huh? Tell me that.

Antorell: I shall make no comment on your extreme, uncalled for rudeness. I shall not be provoked.

Zina: We'll be back after these messages!

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Gypsy Jack: How can you 'show someone the world' with a broken magic carpet? Or go to Oz when your ruby slippers lost a buckle? You might be wondering how to communicate through a cracked magic mirror, or ride a broomstick that's falling to shreds. Well, here's your answer. Here at Gypsy Jack's, we can fix nearly everything…but if you expect me to fight off your wizards, don't bother coming. Anyhow, what I meant to say was, come see me and I'll fix whatever you're problem is for an enormously high – er, I mean fantastically low – price. And, by the way, if anyone knows a good spell to keep the windows clean, I wouldn't object to getting in touch…

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Princess: Listen, eligible youths, and take heed! For I am a lonely princess, fair of face and sweet of nature, who is in need of a handsome darling to sweep me off of my tiny glass-slippered feet. I possess such charms as hair like the golden sun, eyes bluer than a sunny-day sky, a gentle touch, a soft voice, and innumerable other attractions. But alas, I have been cast from the palace by my wicked stepmother and made to make my way in the world with naught but a diamond tiara and…the ability to place personal ads on the local radio. Please, contact me directly, before I shall perish in the wilderness or be eaten by a dreadful ogre or carried off by a terrifying dragon or captured by an evil witch or brutally murdered by an angry jinn or –

Curt Male Voice: Sorry, lady, your time's up.

Princess: But I wasn't finished! I could also be attacked by a fearful nightshade or taken by a scary giant or –

Curt Male Voice: Yeah, chick, we get the point. Now get out of here.

Princess: You would doom me to die, then? (dissolves in tears)

*click*

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Zina: And we're back to It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! We now have time for a few callers. First off is Queen Ella of Noitcefrep, who some of the radio audience might know informally as 'Cinderella'. Ella, you're on the air.

Ella: I just want to say that I always knew I was born to be a princess. Even when my wicked stepmother had me on my knees sweeping ashes from the hearth, I knew that I was born to higher stuff than that. My beauty is such that it alone should be able to prove –

Zina: Isn't this a little off topic?

Ella: (poutily) No. I'm talking about being a princess. 

Zina: Thank you for your insight, Tell of Noitcefrep. Goodbye.

Ella: Hey—

*click*

Zina: Next we have Princess Snow, of Eltsac-ni-eht-Doulc, and her husband, one of the many Prince Charmings that populate our area. Snow, Charming, you're on the air.

Snow: (bashfully) Hi.

Charming: Hello.

Snow: Well…

Zina: Yes?

Snow: I just wanted to say…

Zina: Say what?

Snow: I love you, sweetie.

Charming: Thanks. Love you too, Snow.

Zina: Excuse me, Princess Snow, but what did you have to say about being a princess?

Snow: A princess? I had to say something about being a princess? 

Zina: (testily) Yes.

Snow: (timidly) I'm sorry, I didn't know…

Charming: Aw, let's just leave. This is stupid. *click*

Zina: We really aren't having much luck today. I think we'll leave it there. That's it for today's episode of It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! Be sure to catch our next episode!


	4. Household Pests and What To Do About The...

Zina: Hello again, and welcome to another episode of It's Just Magic with Zina Mayk! Today's topic of discussion is rather more conventional - "Household Pests and What To Do About Them." We've rounded up a passle of interested and interesting housewives, as well as a few other souls willing to help us. Let's have a round of applause for our panel of guests!  
  
Guests murmur hellos and thank-yous  
  
Zina: Today we have with us the witch Morwen, from the Enchanted Forest; Gypsy Jack, of the Mountains of Morning; Queen Cimorene, also of the Enchanted Forest; and Zemenar, Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards.  
  
Cimorene: One question, please. How come Zemenar's always on the guest panel?  
  
Zemenar (frostily): If I may correct Your Majesty, I am NOT always on the guest panel. For your information, I have to this point enjoyed that privilege only on the first episode of this despicable talkshow. I have no desire to do so more frequently, as it is often insulting and I am doing this only as a particular favor to Enchanted Radio.  
  
Cimorene: And why are you doing Enchanted Radio a favor in the first place? To my knowledge, you wizards never do favors for anyone, for any reason.  
  
Zemenar (still more coldly): Wizards ARE honorable, whatever Your Majesty may think.  
  
Zina: Ahem.  
  
Morwen: I think that is a very good idea.  
  
Gypsy Jack: What? What's a good idea? Did I miss something?  
  
Morwen: Zina asked if we could get back to the show. I said, that is is a very good idea.  
  
Zemenar: Actually, you said that you THOUGHT that to be a very good idea.  
  
Cimorene: If you want a direct quote, she said -  
  
Zina: I do not want a direct quote, thank you very much. I DO want to launch a discussion of "Household Pests and What to Do About Them", but now it'll have to wait till after these messages..  
  
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Brandel: Are you looking for accomodation??? Look no further, stranger! I have the perfect home for you. Situated in the middle of a lovely . . . piece of land . . . it is surrounded by a stunning avenue of beautiful flowers! You'll never be lonely here, as a steady stream of guests is part of the package. So call now to book a showing!  
  
(very fast) Things like princes, rescuers, wizards, sorceresses, dragons, deadly plants, severe locations, and small accomodations are not the seller's responsibility.  
  
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Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or noble woodcutter's son? Look no further, for we Dragons of the Mountains of Morning offer the newest, most revolutionary, easiest, quickest, swiftest, fastest, surest way to snag your Prince Charming! Just come spend a few weeks with us and you're sure to snag a highly eligible catch in no time at all. Of course, there are a few risks - we can't account for things like getting eaten, or your love being beaten by a dragon. And there's always the possibility you could fall off a cliff running dangerous but necessary errands through the mountains for your dragon. And then, the wizards are always trying to avenge themselves on our princesses - not sure why, it's just something they do - so that might be a little dangerous. But really, it's your best option. I mean, it's a lot safer than something like giants or ogres or man-eating trolls. And if you are concerned -  
  
Cimorene: Listen, Yrag, you're totally botching this whole thing. You're not supposed to hold a debate, it's just a quick commercial - you tell them the perks, and then you shut up. Try it again.  
  
Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or . . . or . . .  
  
Cimorene: What now?  
  
Dragon: I forgot the other thing.  
  
Cimorene: Take us off the air, we've got more work to do on this one.  
  
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Zina: And now we're back to It's Just Magic! Hopefully our guests have sorted out their little differences and we can get to our discussion. Our first question is - what do you consider to be Household Pests? Morwen, you're up first.  
  
Morwen: Oh, the list goes on. Gnomes . . . mice . . . rabbits . . . wizards . . . ha-  
  
Zemenar: Did I hear you correctly?  
  
Morwen: Well, how could I know? I'm not in your ears.  
  
Zemenar: Did you add "wizards" to your list of Household Pests, or was that something reasonable like "blizzards"?  
  
Morwen (coldly): Wizards should be at the TOP of the list.  
  
Zemenar: (MORE coldly) And why do you consider WIZARDS to be in the same league as such odious things as MICE and RABBITS?  
  
Morwen: They do considerably more damage.  
  
Cimorene: You know, Morwen, I have to agree. Mice are bad and all, and gnomes can be downright evil, but wizards are infinitely more pesky.  
  
Gypsy Jack: I dunno. Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms are worse than all of them, I'd say.  
  
Cimorene: What???  
  
Gypsy Jack: Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms . . .  
  
Morwen: You've got them in the Seventh Attic.  
  
Cimorene: Oh, is THAT what's tearing up the Seventh Attic? But Jack, wizards are more powerful than Yiggle-worms, and so they do more damage . . .  
  
Gypsy Jack: Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You can't melt Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms with a bucket of soap and water.  
  
Morwen: And lemon juice, don't forget the lemon juice.  
  
Zemenar: I prefer not to discuss this, as I believe I have mentioned before.  
  
Gypsy Jack: Yeah, but I really would like to know more about this soapy- water thing.  
  
Morwen: With -  
  
Gypsy Jack: Lemon juice. I know.  
  
Zemenar: With or without the lemon juice, I prefer not to discuss this matter. It is offensive to my sensitivities.  
  
Cimorene: You have sensitivities? You don't balk at poisoning a dragon, but you claim a simple discussion of pest removal offends your "sensitivities"??? I'll "sensitivity" you -  
  
Zina: Cimorene, please! Zemenar! Morwen! Jack! Can we get back to our discussion?  
  
Cimorene: It's fine with me, as long as *he* keeps his mouth shut . . .  
  
Zemenar: So long as the rest of this panel refrains from discussions regarding wizards, I am perfectly willing to "keep my mouth shut".  
  
Zina: Now really, Zemenar, we can hardly avoid discussion of wizards if they're considered Household Pests, now, can we?  
  
Zemenar (frostily): I do not consider my kind to be in the same category as this man's Jangle-worms.  
  
Jack: Yiggle.  
  
Zemenar: Beg pardon?  
  
Jack: Yiggle. Not Jangle.  
  
Zemenar: I'm afraid I don't follow you.  
  
Jack: Yiggle-worms. You said they were Jangle-worms. I just said, Yiggle.  
  
Zina (wearily) I think it's time for another commercial break.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
Brandel: Okay, you guys, listen. I was really serious when I said that my house is for sale. I've even lowered the price. I can't really help it if you don't like mucky swamps or deadly vines or meddlesome rescuers, now, can I? But please, I've got to get out of this place. *sneeze* I think I'm coming down with something, really, I need to get away from the swamp. Is there no friendly sorceress or someone out there who will take pity on me? I thought that after my ad a while ago there'd be people clamoring to buy it . . . and there were . . . until they saw the swamp, and the chokevines, and - well, you know. So now I'm getting desperate. Please, won't someone come and -  
  
*sirens sound in distance*  
  
Brandel: Oh, great, I've got to get out of here -  
  
Male Voice in Background: Get away from that mirror! We've got you covered!  
  
Brandel: I was just looking for someone to buy my -  
  
Male Voice: Yeah, right. Step away from the mirror slow, now. *voices fade*  
  
Snappish Voice: Hey, was someone messing with my ad mirror? Hey! You! Come back here! He was messing with my ad mirror!  
  
*click*  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Zina: Erm. Not exactly what I had hoped for. But anyway, we're going to take a few callers before we have to cut this short.  
  
Cimorene: But we didn't discuss Household Pests at all!  
  
Zina: We'll extend it. Make it a two-day thing, Household Pests and What To Do About them.  
  
Cimorene: I guess. If HE'D been quiet, we could've done okay -  
  
Zemenar: Are you referring to me?  
  
Cimorene: I most CERTAINLY am.  
  
Zemenar: Hrmph.  
  
Zina: Brunhilde, you're on the air.  
  
Heavily Accented Voice: Hello. I was calling about the tower you advertised. You see I place unwanted princesses, and that sounds like a marvelous opportunity for a client I've got here. See, I'll put her on the line - her name's Rapunzel -  
  
Timid Female Voice: Yes, you see, I'm in desperate need of a prince, and this is the best option yet. It's what should have happened all along. You see, before I was born, my mother ate some witch's rapunzel . . . but instead of stealing me and locking me in a tower, the witch told my mother she was fed up with the rapunzel anyway and would she please just take it all. (Tearfully) It's been that way ever since. No one wants me . . . I tried letting my hair grow out, but it was just in the way . . . and I'm in need of a Prince to do something daring for me, so that I can do something other than brush my hair for the rest of my life . . . (breaks down) I'm sorry, it's just that I . . .  
  
Brunhilde: Yes, you see what I mean. We're desperate.  
  
Zina: Well, actually, we weren't -  
  
Brunhilde: The state of the place does not matter. If it will get her the Prince, that's all she needs. We'll take it.  
  
Zina: But you don't understand, I'm not selling -  
  
Brunhilde: But of course you are. There were two advertisements.  
  
Zina: Yes, but this is the talkshow - you'll have to get in contact with Brandel about the house -  
  
Brunhilde: Brandel? Who is Brandel? I called in to buy the swamp-tower. Can you not sell it to me, since you are so desperate?  
  
Zina: Really, I'm not selling anything -  
  
Brunhilde: That's what they all say.  
  
Zina: Sorry about this, but . . . . *click*  
  
Zina (wearily): What a day. What a day. What a day. I'm afraid that's all the time we have left. Join us next time on It's Just Magic! Maybe we'll actually get to the discussion that time. 


	5. Wizards vs Dragons

Zina: Hello again, and welcome once more to our newest episode of "It's Just Magic" with Zina Mayk! Although this was supposed to be a continuation of 'Household Pests and What To Do About Them', we've had to postpone said continuation indefinitely due to a few slight disagreements among the guest stars for 'Household Pests'. But do not let this dismay you – we have created a new, exciting episode for your perusal. Our topic today will be 'Dragons vs. Wizards', and we have a slew of guests for today's discussion.

Zina: Today we have with us several representatives of either party. Please welcome Kazul, King of the Dragons in the Mountains of Morning; Antorell of the Society of Wizards; Antorell's father, Zemenar; Roxim of the Mountains of Morning, and last but not least Woraug, former dragon of the Mountains of Morning, and his interpreter.

Antorell: Interpreter?

Zina: I'm afraid none of us speak Toadish very fluently, so we've hired Hylrentatha of Perlmanju to translate Woraug's thoughts for our show.

Hylrentatha of Perlmanju: I thank you for the honor you have bestowed upon me.

Zemenar: But – she's a princess!

Zina: (dryly) So I noticed.

Hylrentatha: Indeed, I am a hapless Princess of Perlmanju, cast from my kingdom and my rightful throne by my wicked stepmother…

Kazul: Really, Zina, when I agreed to the show I didn't agree to being subjected to a *princess*.

Zina: She does speak Toadish, which is a point in her favor…

Kazul: One point. Only one.

Woraug: Rrrribit.

Hylrentatha: Your friend the enchanted toad says he is feeling quite left out of this conversation, as he is unable to participate freely as are the rest of you. Alas, so do I, for I have been shunned every since my stepmother –

Zina: Yeah, yeah, we know. I'm sorry, Woraug, but I'm afraid this is the only solution.

Hylrentatha: Perhaps there is a way to return him to his natural form. If I were to kiss him –

  
Everyone: NO!

Woraug: Crrroak!

Hylrentatha: (sulkily) It was a mere suggestion.

Zina: (brisky) Right, let's get on to our discussion of the day. Dragons vs. Wizards – why the enmity? Which species is better?

Kazul and Roxim: Dragons!

Zemenar and Antorell: Wizards!

Woraug: Rrribitt!

Hylrentatha: He says he wouldn't mind a kiss.

Zina: I _would_. Besides, he's a dragon, not a prince.

Kazul: A pitiful dragon, at that.

Roxim: Very. Did I tell you about the time he poisoned the King of the Dragons? Used a dragonsbane pouch, he did. Sneaky – very sneaky. You can't trust a dragon like that, even if he _is_ a toad. He –

Zina: We know. Now, let's move on…drat, commercial break. Hang in there, people, and we'll be back to you after these brief messages.

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Brunhilde: (muted) Is this on?

Male Voice: (muted) Yes, go ahead…you're on the air.

Brunhilde: (muted) Are you sure?

Male Voice: (muted) I'm sure you're making yourself look like an idiot on Enchanted Radio Advertisements…

Brunhilde: (muted) Fine, if you're sure. (Clearer) Are you a princess in need of placement? Here at Brunhilde's Princess Placing Agency we work to find hapless princesses happy homes. We have a variety of contacts, from witches to dragons to ogres, who would be happy for a princess to imprison for an unknown length of time. We also have several abandoned towers suitable for long-haired damosels to pine in. Or, if you like the easy road, we have a few empty-headed ready-made Princes lined up. Just call 1-800…I mean, 1-888…I mean…(muted) Clarence?

Male Voice: (muted) What now?

Brunhilde: (muted) What's the number?

Male Voice: (muted) 1-800-HELP.

Brunhilde: (clearer) What he said. Call that number to apply now!

---------------------------------------------------------

Zina: Now we're back, saved from idiots who don't know how to use an ad mirror before they start their commercial. Now, next topic in our discussion today: this one's for the wizards. Antorell, Zemenar, why steal magic?

Zemenar: Because it is not an inborn trait, as it is with witches or dragons. However, "steal" is not an appropriate word. We prefer the term "harvest". The harvesting of magic helps us in our scholarly advancements –

Kazul: Scholarly advancements, my claw.

Roxim: Sneaky, sneaky, just like I always said. Can't trust a wizard, ever.

Zina: Thank you for your opinion, Roxim. Anyway, let's hear now from Antorell.

Antorell: Huh?

Zina: Your turn to answer my question…

Antorell: Can you, uh, repeat the question?

Zina: (sigh) Why do you steal magic?

Antorell: I don't know.

Woraug: Crrroak.

Hylrentatha: He says, this is boring.

Zina: So sue me. Okay, now one for the dragons – why can't you coexist with the wizards? (_"Let There Be Peace On Earth"_ begins to play in background…)

Zina: Shut that off immediately, please. (Music stops abruptly)

Zemenar: Well should you ask such a thing, Zina. I have always desired to be able to live in peace with our neighbors the dragons, but their habits are so crude – so appalling – that such is made impossible.

Zina: (frostily) Are you a dragon?

Zemenar: No, but –

Zina: My point exactly. I know – let's let Woraug answer this one first.

Woraug: Crriiikk, rrrribbitt.

Hylrentatha: He says…he's never understood why wizards and dragons can't coexist either. 

Woraug: Crrroakk, crrriiikk.

Hylrentatha: He claims that all of the uproar a few years ago, after Tokoz died, was all a misunderstanding. In collaborating with wizards Woraug was only trying to bring harmony to the two peoples.

Woraug: Rrribit.

Hylrentatha: He says he should be turned back into a dragon and made King, and then he could establish ties with the wizards.

Kazul: Fat chance, toad.

Roxim: Sneaky, sneaky, that dragon – toad – is, just like wizards. Never trust that one, I say.

Zina: Kazul, what are your thoughts? Wait – tell us after these messages.

---------------------------------------------------------

__

Rippling music plays in background…

Soft Female Voice: Are you getting tired of getting old? Can you feel your smooth Princess skin turning into hard witchy scales? Is your Prince Charming beginning to look at you as if you've grown an extra head?

Never fear, my dear Princess. With Marigold's Magical Mush, you can remove all signs of aging and remain forever a stunning beauty. To order a free sample, call 1-800-MUSH or send a letter to Magical P.O. Box 102, Oblermag, Haggle. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Zina: Are you feeling a need for excitement in your life? Tune in to Enchanted Radio to hear the newest listening sensation, _It's Just Magic!_ At noon on weekdays, this show is packed with humor, drama, and as much wackiness as you can stomach. Turn on the radio today!

---------------------------------------------------------

Zina: (mildly surprised) Hey, that was me. Anyway – oh, darn, we're out of discussion time for the day. We have to take a few calls. Alianora, you're on the air…

Alianora: Hello. Hello, Kazul, hello, Roxim!

Woraug: Rrribbitt.

Hylrentatha: Woraug says this is absolutely shameful and if Alianora comes up with one false accusation regarding him, he's leaving the show.

Alianora: Oh, don't worry, they're none of them false. But what I really wanted to say was to Kazul. It's about the Devilish Dragons fan club – can I join?

Kazul: What?

Alianora: (reading from brochure) 'Devilish Dragon's fanclub – a club for ex-princesses and dragon-lovers. Meets once a week at Moranz's cave in the Mountains of Morning. Snacks provided.'

Kazul: Uh, I really don't think you should join.

Alianora: Why not?

Kazul: Let me call you up later and we'll talk it over, okay?

Alianora: Whatever. *click*

Zina: Our last caller of the day – Hagatha, you're on the air!

Hagatha: Hylrentatha! I've been looking everywhere for you, we've all been so worried!

Hylrentatha: Stepmother??? What are you doing on Enchanted Radio?

Hagatha: We've been looking all over for you for two weeks, Hylli. Ever since you ran away – I had no idea you'd made a career in Toadish –

Hylrentatha: (bursts into tears) Alas, woe is me! For my wicked stepmother has pursued me even to Enchanted radio!

Hagatha: Sweetheart, all we want is your safe return…

Zina: Sorry, that's all the time we have for today. See you next time on _It's Just Magic! With Zina Mayk._


	6. Different Magicks and How To Use Them

Zina: Welcome to _It's Just Magic! With Zina Mayk_, the most humorous talkshow on Enchanted Radio! Today we have a panel of fascinating and magical guests. Please welcome…Shiara, firewitch and Second Princess to the Dragon Kazul; Brandel, firewitch (he would like to add that his home is up for sale, if anyone is interested); Morwen, witch of the Enchanted Forest; Daystar, Prince of the Enchanted Forest; Zemenar, Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards, and last but not least, King Kazul of the Mountains of Morning. (Takes a breath) Welcome, guests and listeners!

Kazul: (dryly) Zemenar, you must like this show. You appear so frequently.

Zemenar: (stiffly) It is a particular favor to Enchanted Radio.

Kazul: I see.

Zina: …We especially welcome our special guests today, Brandel and Shiara. Both are firewitches, one of the most fascinating races in all of the Enchanted Forest.

Shiara: I'm getting really bored here, can we move on with this? I mean, can we move on with this _please_?

Zina: Of course. 

Brandel: What about me? Don't I get to introduce myself?

Zina: If you want to.

Brandel: Well then. (Pause) I'm Brandel, and I'm a firewitch, and if I don't like you then you'd better run pretty quickly. If _anyone_ calls out for me to 'let down the chair' I _promise_ I will roast them. Also, my house is for sale. It's got a beautiful path lined with Invisible Dusk-Blooming Chokevines, and –

Zina: Excuse me, Brandel, but we really better get back to topic. Which, by the way, I haven't had a chance to introduce yet. Our topic today is –

Zemenar: Can we speed this up a bit? I have a pressing engagement afterward.

Zina: – Different Magicks and How To Use Them. First of all, I'd like everyone to introduce themselves and specify what kind of magic they possess and how it is best used. Shiara, would you like to begin?

Shiara: I'm a firewitch. Enough said. So go away.

Daystar: Shiara…

Shiara: I mean, I am a firewitch. I – uh – have a gift with fire, and…

Zina: You, Shiara, have an interesting trait connected with your magic. Mind telling us about it?

Shiara: Um…well, it only works when I – uh – am polite.

Daystar: And she's doing much better at it, too, Zina.

Zina: Good for you, Shiara. Next up – Zemenar.

Zemenar: Do I really have to explain this?

Zina: Actually, yes.

Zemenar: (long-suffering sigh) I. Am. A. Wizard. I harvest magic from my environment and channel it through a wooden staff. At least, most of them are wooden, though I have known one or two oddballs who preferred steel or aluminum –

Zina: Daystar, go ahead.

Daystar: I'm Daystar, and I'm the Prince of the Enchanted Forest, and I'm not really sure about this magic thing yet. It's got something to do with my sword – my father's sword – and some web of magic thread that goes through the Forest. I just kind of grab some magic when I want something.

Zina: Thank you, and you win the Vagueness Prize of the Year. Next – Morwen.

Morwen: I am a witch. A normal, fireless witch. My magic is inborn, and can be used for evil or good. 

Zina: Kazul?

Kazul: I'm a dragon. That's obvious. I just have magic. That's also obvious. Enough said.

Zina: (sigh) Alright, Brandel.

Brandel: Shiara summed it up. Except I don't have to be polite. And hey, about that house – 

Zina: Okay, it's time for a commercial break…

--------------------

Brandel: For the last time, people, I've got this great house I'm selling. It's cheap – heck, I'll give it to you free! – and located in a terrific boggy messy smelly swamp in the midst of gooey mud and dusk-blooming chokevines that you can't see until they're around your neck. Just call 1-800-I-AM-DESPERATE to book a showing…

---------------------

Chipper Female Voice: Are you young, single, and looking for a mate? Look no further! Simply go to Find-A-Magical-Match via the Enchanted Internet and you will be met with a slew of elligible sources, from princesses to humble woodcutter's sons to enchanted animals in need of nothing more than a kiss. Check out Find-A-Magical-Match today!

--------------------

Zina: And we're back to the endless See-How-Long-It-Takes-Us-To-Get-Off-Topic haul. Next question for our guests: how important is magic in your lives? Daystar, you're up.

Daystar: Well, at first, when I was living in a cottage with my mother at the edge of the Forest, it wasn't important. In fact, I didn't know I had magic in me at all. Not even when the wizard came to visit. It wasn't until after I'd gotten the sword that I began to feel like there was something strange going on…since then, magic has really been an integral part of my daily life. How can it not be, living in the middle – or close to it – of the Enchanted Forest?

Zina: Well said. Kazul?

Kazul: I'm a dragon. Dragons use magic in small ways, or in big ways if they feel like it. I don't like being forced to explain magic to mortals. 

Zina: Good enough, I guess. 

Zemenar: I am a wizard, therefore magic is my occupation and a sole focus of my life. Magical advancement is my lifelong goal.

Brandel: Magic is just in me. I couldn't stop it even if I tried. It's as natural as breathing.

Zina: And Shiara and then Morwen, please. Have you noticed this is actually staying on topic? I think it's a record.

Morwen: Now you're the one going off topic, Zina. Talking about it being on topic.

Zina: Well, it is – or was – on topic, and I couldn't resist a comment on such.

Zemenar: This does seem to stray from the discussion rather often. A prime example is _Household Pests_, which turned into a wizard-slandering debate, if I recall correctly –

Morwen: You don't. It wasn't anything of the sort. 

Zemenar: (frostily) If we may return to the question at hand?

Shiara: Magic is frustrating. As I said, I have to be polite in order for my magic to work and I don't like it. Who has ever heard of a polite firewitch?

Morwen: Good point, although I did once meet a –

All: MORWEN!

Morwen: Ahem. A story for another day.

Zina: What about your magic?

Morwen: (stiffly) I'm a witch. I use magic with everything. It is as difficult to explain as would be the process of breathing. I'm sorry, Zina, but I simply cannot.

Zina: (sigh) Let's take a few calls before we're _completely_ out of time and into off-topicness. Cimorene, you're on the air.

Cimorene: Daystar, sweetie, did you take your vitamin this morning?

Daystar: Er…

Cimorene: Well, did you?

Daystar: Actually…

Cimorene: (sharply) You forgot again, didn't you! Honestly, Daystar, I expect better of you. And come to think of it, I'm tired of picking up your crown when it's left lying around all the time. If you want to throw it across the room, it's fine by me, but please retrieve it when you're done. And, by the way, I want you to pick up a few things from Kazul on your way home from the Enchanted Radio station. And –

Zina: Cimorene, we understand your concerns, but I'm afraid we're out of town for the night. Goodbye everyone, and thank you for enduring another episode of _It's Just Magic!_ with Zina Mayk.

__

Author's note: I know this one is shorter than average, but I am going out of town in…five hours and desperately want to get some sleep. Waking up at 4 a.m. is not one of my favorite things.


End file.
